Monthly Archives: February 2012

Ode to Steven Tyler: Crazy Bastard

Warning: There is a ridiculous Limerick near the end of this. If you read it, you could go blind.

If you watch American Idol, then you’re probably aware that Steven Tyler is crazy. Crazy awesome. This season he has channeled his inner Huggy Bear more often than not. He apparently has a personal collection of pimp hats complete with large feathers and his shirts and pants typically look like they were created from the drapes of a Persian Shisha Bar. During the audition portion of Season 11 (this season) he has said a lot of “inappropriate” things but my favorite was when he practically hit on contestant Shannon Magrane, right in front of her dad. No big deal right? Well, her father is Joe Magrane, a former Major League pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals, who stands 6’6” and weighs 230 pounds. Oh and did I mention that while Shannon is “HOT” (Tyler’s words) she is also 15 years old (ouch).  Fortunately, I think Tyler is one of the few who could pull off handcuffs as a cool accessory item. Finally, at the end of last week’s contestant cut-down show, Tyler stripped down to his BVDs, to the shock of Jennifer Lopez and the horror of Randy Jackson, and then leapt spread eagle into the adjacent pool. Not sane!

Two of the first record albums I ever owned and listened to repeatedly were Aerosmith “Rocks” and “Toys in the Attic”. It was evident to me even at the tender age of…well I was young…that Steven Tyler had a screw loose and if you’re familiar with the song “Big Ten Inch Record” you know what I mean.

So Steven Tyler is a nut and he’s a nut that also loves a good Limerick. So in honor of the start of American Idol Live shows (beginning Tues. p.m. on Fox) here is my tribute to Steven in a form I think he’ll appreciate. Btw, the actual limerick has no relevance to anything I just wrote, it’s just a limerick.

(Note: all characters are fictitious and any resemblance to anyone living or dead is unintentional. The subject matter in this limerick does not necessarily reflect the beliefs of Steven Tyler or American Idol…or the author.)

The Man came from Lees

There once was a Man came from Lees,
whose hair grew right down past his knees.
It covered his back, and also his crack,
and attracted a whole lot of fleas.

The Man met a woman, Tall Kate,
who suffered a terrible fate.
Her right eye was blind, she had an enormous behind,
yet the Man from Lees asked for a date.

The lore goes that he laid down his coat,
and they kissed in a meadow of goats.
Tall Kate proved not a tease, but she disliked the fleas,
and she said so in her short, farewell note.

The Tall Woman named Kate went to drinking,
about men without fleas she was thinking.
But then down slid a glass, from a woman named Cass,
and before you could blink they were linking.

The woman named Cass had an ass,
so much smaller than our friend Kate’s, alas.
Her butt was real small, and she wasn’t so tall,
that Tall woman named Kate took a pass.

So Tall Kate sailed away on the breeze,
and she never relinquished the keys.
For the grace of her glory, or so goes the story,
she married the gay, rich Man came from Lees.

Rock on, Steven!

Oscar Tattoo: “Boss boss, de pain, de pain!”

Mr. Billy Crystal-Roarke: “You have been invited tonight as my special guests. Each of you is here for a reason, a reason so mysterious and private that not even TMZ knows about it yet. So take off that floppy hat, remove your sunglasses and get your popcorn ready.

Welcome to Oscar Fantasy Island!”

O.K., enough of that. Here is your fantasy challenge. Make your picks on the 10 categories below and fulfill your own personal fantasy (see game details):
1) Pick the winners of the six main categories. (1 point each)(You know what they are)
2) Will Billy Crystal say something in Yiddish? (Yes or No) (half credit given for Spanish)
3) Who will be the last person shown in the “In Memorium” segment? (double credit if you pick “Billy Crystal”)
4) Will the show go under or over 3 hours? (Under or Over) (no credit if you pick “Over”)
5) Will Crystal mention the “L.A. Clippers”? (Yes or No) (double credit if Crystal dunks a basketball after leaping over a car)
6) Will Jack Nicholson be in the audience and will Crystal mention both Jack and Kobe Bryant in the same statement? (Yes or No)
7) Will someone mention either the environment or Obama in their acceptance speech? (Yes or No) (triple credit if anyone mentions “Gore” or “Biden”)
8) Will Robin Williams appear more than once during the broadcast? (Yes or No)(double credit if he hugs someone on camera)
9) The Best Animated Movie will be? (I don’t know who the nominees are)
10) Who was the Hottest Babe Presenter? (My choice, so you have to guess what I’m thinking)

Game details: This is the honor system folks, so grab a pen and paper, and write down your picks. At the end of the night, do the math and notify me of your score by 5pm cst Tuesday. The highest scorer earns a guest spot on one of my future blogs (really) and a lifetime supply of Lazy Cakes (not really).

Oh and since this is my very first ever blog, your chances of winning are really, really good…but you can’t win, if you don’t play!

Part II: My Picks vs. the Vegas Line
Here we go! I have $30 pretend dollars to bet on the six main categories. Do the same and if you beat me in fake wagering total won, I will add 2 points to your total above.

Favorite: The Artist -2000
Longshot: The Tree of Life +10000
Best Bet?: The Descendants +1000, The Help +1500

Who do I think will win? The Artist
Who would I bet money on? The Help $4.00

Favorite: Michel Hazanavicius -1000
Longshot: Terrence Malick +5000, Woody Allen +5000
Best Bet?: Martin Scorcese +500, Alexander Payne +2000

Who do I think will win? Martin Scorcese
Who would I bet money on? Martin Scorcese $10.00

Favorite: Juan Dujardin -200
Longshot: Demian Bichir +5000
Best Bet?: George Clooney +150

Who do I think will win? George Clooney
Who would I bet money on? George Clooney $5.00

Favorite: Viola Davis -250
Longshot: Rooney Mara +5000, Glen Close +5000
Best Bet?: Meryl Streep +130

Who do I think will win? Voila Davis
Who would I bet money on? Meryl Streep $7.00

Favorite: Christopher Plummer -10000
Longshot: Jonah Hill +4000
Best Bet?: Max Von Sydow +1500

Who do I think will win? Christopher Plummer
Who would I bet money on? Jonah Hill $2.00

Favorite: Octavia Spencer -2500
Longshot: Janet McTeer +5000
Best Bet?: Melissa McCarthy +3000

Who do I think will win? Octavia Spencer
Who would I bet money on? Melissa McCarthy $2.00

Oh and btw, I haven’t seen any of these movies.


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