US License Plate Map

Unfounded Courage – The secret mission of Lewis & Clark, or: If the 50 States were named by their shape

NOTE: If you choose to participate after reading, then submit your “comment” including your made-up imaginary state name for the state of your birth and/or your current residency…or Puerto Rico.

The United Plates of America

This past summer, I took a across a significant slice of the United States with my oldest son. Along the way we played a game called “Collect the State License Plates”. However, since we didn’t properly equip ourselves with a high speed bucket truck, night vision goggles and a screwdriver we were unable to actually “collect” the plates (we tried with incident) and instead merely wrote them down in a running log. During our seven day journey, we spotted 40 different U.S. state plates (if you count Saskatchewan) and we had a blast doing so. I also found it to be an especially effective intervention tool for my son’s serious Nintendo DS addiction.

So the other day I was reminiscing about our fantastic concrete voyage and as I was examining the travel atlas it dawned upon me that a lot of the states were shaped similarly. And I started thinking that if the states had been named by their SHAPE, instead of a U.S. President, world explorer or vanquished inhabitants, then a majority of them would have been called either “Malformed Rectangle” or, I don’t know, let’s say…“Directional Genitalia”.

The United States of Genitalia

So as I thumbed through the atlas, I tossed back several cans of battery acid along with some “vitamins” and just before I stumbled upon unconsciousness, I recalled the adventurous and historical passages of Stephen Ambrose’s “Undaunted Courage”. The vision of undiscovered America provided me with comfort, as if it were an awaiting quilted blanket and goose down pillow inside my cardboard box. And then I slept. And in my sleep I had a dream.

Lewis and Clark (circa 1950s)

A dream in which Thomas Jefferson summoned me to the White House (or Monticello…it was large and white) and commanded me to officially rename all the States (as well as ALL the ones that hadn’t been discovered yet) based upon their geographic boundaries or anything randomly interesting that came to mind. I accepted TJ’s assignment and then humbly inquired if I would be accompanying Lewis and Clark on their upcoming expedition. His answer was an emphatic “YES!” and before I could speak he continued, “However, you do realize that you forgot to study for the final exam and you’re buck naked”.

C-R-A-P, not again!

Regardless, I took my directives, met up with Lewis & Clark and went to work.

OLD STATE NAME      NEW STATE NAME   

  1. Alabama                       Hornlabia
  2. Alaska                          Doubleanchorplug

    The United Key Rings of America

  3. Arizona                        Analleakioh
  4. Arkansas                      Hemorrhoidias
  5. California                     Brokebackenstein
  6. Colorado                      Parallelaville
  7. Connecticut                 Dickslavia
  8. Delaware                     Frenchtickula
  9. Florida                         Flacidong
  10. Georgia                       Whamalamadingleberry
  11. Hawaii                         Islandalot
  12. Idaho                           Penistato
  13. Illinois                          Fistobuttopia
  14. Indiana                        Toejamalick
  15. Iowa                            Tumorbadowang
  16. Kansas                         Crotchcornavakia
  17. Kentucky                     Rectalsaw
  18. Louisiana                     Bungbooty
  19. Maine                          Shrivelnut
  20. Maryland                     Hangbalacock
  21. Massachusetts             Cape Vagina
  22. Michigan                      Asscrackastan
  23. Minnesota                   Bellnipple
  24. Mississippi                  Bonerabulge
  25. Missouri                      Clipendula

    The United gmail Passwords of America

  26. Montana                     Wrectanguland
  27. Nebraska                    Meltochoclomesia
  28. Nevada                       Paperjamitdam
  29. New Hampshire          Newfoundphallus
  30. New Jersey                 Fartempleshore
  31. New Mexico                Simexadobe
  32. New York                    Yosuckenapple
  33. North Carolina            Circumciseika
  34. North Dakota               North Notasquare
  35. Ohio                            Skintagewan
  36. Oklahoma                   Potmeltingham
  37. Oregon                       Duckwannapee
  38. Pennsylvania              Squirtmonkeehole
  39. Rhode Island               Foreskinalot
  40. South Carolina            South Intrauterine
  41. South Dakota              Notasquareagain
  42. Tennessee                  Tittyrhombushire
  43. Texas                         Texmexticle
  44. Utah                           Mendooacoconut
  45. Vermont                     Piledrivendille
  46. Virginia                       New Hamnotch
  47. Washington                Seayaktacospokymia
  48. West Virginia              West Incestagas
  49. Wisconsin                   Forkoshkoshmagoo
  50. Wyoming                    Queefesliceacheese

Several dream years later upon completion of our journey, I sent my report to T.J. Efferson (my secret code name for the President) by FEDPEX (Federal Pony Express, of course) and then relaxed with my nightly companion in the glory of the west coast sunset.

I miss my "G-wea"

As I gradually emerged from my dream, I could still feel the lingering tingle of my feet dangling in the Columbia River and it was fulfilling. I had accomplished my directive, achieved my quest, hit a homerun…so it was natural that I also felt great pride in my one additional, unsolicited contribution (my gift to America) of renaming  the Pacific Ocean…“Climaximass”…in honor of my passionate companion and our travel guide, Sacagawea (i.e. “Nice Rack, Talks Too Much”).

Submit your “comment” below if you choose. If you’re game, include your made-up imaginary state name for the state of your birth and/or current residency…or Guam. Thanks for playing!

ghfool

2 comments on “Unfounded Courage – The secret mission of Lewis & Clark, or: If the 50 States were named by their shape

  1. Ehh, my attempt for Illinois-
    sidewaysbulge

    and thanks for linking your graphics to Youtube nat’l lampoon videos!

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