Monthly Archives: June 2012
I need counseling. I follow a lot of Mommy Bloggers (Bloggerincesses) and greatly admire their creative and humorous take on motherhood and children. So I need your ladies’ help. I also shine the bat signal for any other assistance from Daddy’s, pets and any other living organisms.
Through no action of my own, I am an Occasional Parent. And what I mean by that is that I don’t get to see my kids as often as I’d like and as a result have less influence and interaction than I wish. But enough about that. My three sons (aka “The crazy-ass monkeys”)(ages 11, 8 & 6) will be flying into Texas (not Wizard of Oz monkey flying…but I wouldn’t be surprised) to spend six weeks with me starting this Saturday. And after my initial two reactions of “Yay” and “WooHoo” the thought of “OMG” creeps in. And then it sits there in my brain toying with me, cackling and howling with joyous laughter at my potential failure to control my three, wild and crazy primates.
So I put together a list of things to do to manage the situation, but I really need your input. Here are my initial thoughts:
1) Feed them lots of SUGAR. Kids love sugar, right?
2) Give them a beer every morning with their breakfast. Works for me!
3) Tell them a lot of stories about my High School and College mischief. It will only prepare them for the inevitable.
4) Watch Die Hard over and over and over again. It does have a happy Christmassy ending!
5) Talk about the birds and the bees. (see #3 above)
6) Teach them how to play Texas Hold’em. That way I won’t have to cheat like usual.
7) Send them on a Snipe Hunt. This will provide me with at least a 30 minute break.
8) Kill a deer in the front yard, hand them each a knife and say “That’s your dinner; gut it, skin it and I’ll cook it!”
9) Give them flashlights after dark and tell them to find one of the lost Seven Cities of Cibola. Another nap opportunity.
10) Threaten that if they don’t behave then I will make them watch “The Ring” again!
11) Tell them to chase the sunset. ‘nuff said.
12) Make them clean the roof and chimneys.
13) Do an “Easter egg Hunt” type activity, but instead of eggs, they will be searching for Fire Ants, Scorpions and Rattlesnakes. They each get a basket.
14) Give each of them a hammer and nails and tell them to repair the deck. Videotape for YouTube.
15) Put them all in a canoe on the river with nothing but a bible. Wait to see what God does.
I welcome any other suggestions. Please comment below. (and follow by providing your email address)
P.S. I would like to acknowledge that my good friend bloggerincesses, frugalistablogdotcom and Funny Pregnant Lady both nominated me for a blogger award and I sincerely thank them and need to do my follow-up honors. Coming soon.
SEX – It’s not the same vehicle your Grandparents used to drive!
So, I saw a full page ad the other day in Rolling Stone for “ASTROGLIDE” personal lubricant. And it got me thinking…I want that right now…no, sorry…I meant…what other shiny things are they selling these days? Well, pull down your panties and get a load of this…stuff! (click on the images provided below for video content).
UPDATE: How could I have forgotten about my good friends at , “Where Everything Should Taste Like Bacon!” Including, !
Scratching, scratching, the warmth feels nice
I think I’ll lie on top of this beautiful pile
of freshly tossed pillows and sheets of thread and down
for more than awhile
Moving around, getting comfortably warm
amongst the creases and seams
finally finding a perfect fit again
feeling the steady purr that vibrates within
I see Kitty Cat Sunshine in my dreams
time to unwind and let faith intervene
you can never say never
I know that now…somehow
The pain has changed to enlightenment
and now the joy feels like forever
Life among the clouds never felt more possible
Walking on air and heaven sent