Blogger Award Double Stuff: It’s like getting two blogs for the price of one!

Blogger Award Double Stuff: It’s like getting two blogs for the price of one!  Now with even MORE SUGAR GOODNESS!

I’ve been fortunate enough to have recently been selected by my blogging peers as the recipient of two blogging merit awards. The Kreative Blogger Award and the Leibster Blogger Award (kinda like winning the Heisman Trophy, but different). I am humbled (not really) and thankful (really) for such recognition and can only say that I want MORE AWARDS. So keep ‘em coming or I may get testy!

Btw, this is a very long blog so print it out and post it in all of your bathrooms (also your outhouses and honey buckets).

The two wonderful women that graced me with their kind adulation are:

Fruggie honored me with the “Liebster Award”. She is a good friend and blogging suits her because she is always the life of the party. She is the mother of two very creative children, is very funny, annoys (err, adores) her husband and she talks a lot! (I mean types a lot…sorry). I’m fairly certain that she and her McSweetie are black belts in eye rolling. And most important of all, she was my inspiration to begin my own blog and for that I am eternally grateful. And if you are a woman and experience PMS, then I challenge you to a PMS-off against her. It could get bloody (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

– FPL hung the “Kreative Blogger Award” around my virtual neck. She is only two of the three things she so proudly claims…guess which two. Correct, she is pregnant and a lady…hold on…correction…she is not pregnant anymore…that didn’t sound right either…OK, she is now the Funny (postpartum) Lady. Whew, dug myself out of that hole. She continues to improve as a writer partly because she recently experienced childbirth (for the fourth time) and still doesn’t know what to do with them (like the rest of us parents).

Read them, weep with laughter and follow their blogs. I demand it!

So on with the show. Like I said this is long, but I think you’ll enjoy.

Kreativ Blogger Award 

This award has rules.

1. Thank and link back to the awarding blog. (already done…see above)

2. Answer seven questions. (only seven?)

3. Provide 10 random factoids about yourself. (hmmm, I’ve done this before so it might be tough to come up with 10 more. I’ll try!)

4. Hand the award on to seven deserving others. (Gladly. I love paying it forward! And putting people in my debt)

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS: Seven Questions

QUESTION #1: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG?

The hardest question right out of the gate. How can I possibly pick just one song? I love music so much that I want to marry it (rim shot). On second thought, I love music so much that I want to marry books (and movies…Utah only) and then have a long, sordid affair with music. Books will never find out because they can’t hear. Right? OK, I realize I’m avoiding the question. So, my answer is…”Subdivisions” by RUSH…wait no…”When the Levee Breaks” by Led Zeppelin…that’s not it…”Where the Streets Have No Name” by U2…crap, wrong again…”The Way Up” by The Pat Metheny Group…almost…it’s a tie, “” and ”” by Pink Floyd – that’s it!

QUESTION #2: WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE DESSERT?

This one is easy as pie! (see what I just did there?) My favorite dessert is the SAHARA. Wha? Why doesn’t that count? Mohave? Crap! Oh, sorry, it’s the dessert you eat, so my answer is a 16 oz. FILET MIGNON cooked medium rare with a side of garlic mashed potatoes and asparagus…and a bottle of red wine. Oooops, after viewing the videotape instant replay, it has been determined that I’ve committed a foul. All right, judge not, lest ye be judged (I finally found a way to use the word “lest” and “ye” in a sentence together. I can mark that off my bucket list)…my answer is homemade APPLE PIE a la MODE (that means with vanilla ice cream for those of you riding in the short bus).

QUESTION #3: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE UPSET?

YELL REALLY LOUD and say lots of BAD WORDS in a row!!!!!! And STOP FU**ING asking me so many STUPID FU**ING questions, MO**ER FU**ER!!!!

QUESTION #4: WHICH IS YOUR FAVORITE PET?

A dead one. No, I kid. Everything I touch suffers immensely, so I can’t even say IVY PLANT with a straight face. Can my answer be “Pet Rock”? No? Damn! OK, how about SNAIL? It works for Spongebob. No? Barnacles!! I’ve never had one, but I want one, so final answer is…a BEARDED DRAGON. So cute you are, yes that’s right you are a little cutie pie, daddy loves his little dragon!

QUESTION #5: WHICH DO YOU PREFER, WHITE OR WHOLE WHEAT?

SOURDOUGH, hands down. Real San Francisco style sourdough with a kick to it!

QUESTION #6: WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?

Getting offed by some idiot driver. I’ve taken “Defensive Driving” five times to get off tickets, but no matter how great I drive, I can’t control some other JACKHOLE driver that is so busy looking at themselves in their rear view mirror or texting that they T-Bone me as they cluelessly run through a red light! La de da, I’m just cruising along like usual and then WHACK…dead as a sack of rocks…pushing up daisies. My tombstone will read, “Here lays a man that passed before his time due to the negligence of a complete MORON” Thanks a lot jerk wad!

Otherwise, I’m fairly FEARLESS.

QUESTION #7: WHAT IS YOUR ATTITUDE, MOSTLY?

I am what my blog says I am…always looking at life as a “Glass Half Full” (err “Fool”). I am a positive, mellow and happy dude. Life is too short to spend time wringing your hands with concern and/or negative thoughts. Like my banana and bagel smiley face always says, “Don’t worry, be happy!”

TEN RANDOM FACTS about ghfool

1)    I have a double jointed right thumb and can make it do an erotic dance…with or without a pole.

2)    I don’t really know how to type, but I can hunt and peck at 30 wpm. The reason is three-fold: my typing teacher in 9th grade didn’t make me do any work because she liked football players (and I was a “tight end” and was basically the only dude in the entire class); I had a secretary (that’s what we called them long ago in the late 80’s) in my first two jobs; and I’m just too frigging lazy to learn how to do it properly now (typing that is). If someone out there (someone=attractive female) wants to be my Secretary…sorry, Administrative Assistant, then please apply within. The pay is great, and by great I mean non-existent, but the fringe benefits are awesome. For example, working for me is a reward in and of itself.

3)    I am an…brace for it…attorney. (he ducks under table and hides from angry mob). But I prefer writing. And when you combine the two…watch out! I could persuade you to sue yourself!

4)    I am an Eagle Scout. I can save your life if your plane crashes into the jungle or if you’re drowning in the ocean, I can start a fire in the rain and I can tie you up with seven different kinds of knots. Yea, that’s right…I earned the “Hot and Kinky” merit badge.

5)    I HATE to do dishes! ABHOR it! DESPISE it! And you would know that if you read this. I would rather be tortured by a team of drunken Mafia goons than clean my dish. And just so you ladies don’t get the wrong idea, I do laundry and sweeping and toilets fairly well. Just keep me away from the sink and I’m a happy camper. If I had it my way, all cookware, dishware and utensils would be disposable. Sorry environment but you lose on this one!

6)    I am an antiques collector and merchant. I haven’t been doing much of either lately, regardless; one of my favorite things to do is antique shop. And no, I’m not gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

7)    I had a very large, shiny pistol pointed at my face last night at point blank range and had a second person threaten to shoot me. More to come in a future blog.

8)    I love TREES! I wouldn’t call myself a “Tree Hugger”; I am more like a “Tree French Kisser”.

9)    I adore WOMEN! (I know that I blog and I’m on FB and Pinterest…so you may think otherwise…and I like antiquing…and decorating…OMG I am gay…NOT). Women are so complicated that they are infinitely intriguing. And nothing is more beautiful than a woman (unless she’s a total hag…just sayin’). Not a sunset, nor an ocean, nor a forest. And who doesn’t like good deep and honest communication… I will tell you who DOES…ladies. I say GO GIRL POWER! (as long as at the end of the day it involves intimacy, ya know…SEX). After all…a man has needs.

10) I kill things and eat them. Deer, dove, quail, ducks, geese, fish, turkey, wild pigs, rattlesnake, rabbits, humans (no wait, not humans…really!!!).

Liebster Blog Award 

The rules for the Liebster Blog Award are very complicated (what the hell is a Liebster anyway?).

1)    Nominate five deserving fellow bloggers.

That’s it.

However, because I’m already nominating seven bloggers for the other award and the fact that I love breaking rules and dancing back and forth across the invisible line of appropriateness, I am going to be rebellious and nominate seven instead. The same seven. Congratulations, magnificent seven, you just won two awards in one fell swoop!

I will be happy to hand out more awards as soon as someone bestows me with another one, or two, or five.

Here are the nominees (in no particular order…unless you count alphabetical, in which case these are still in no particular order). And I would also nominate several other (like and ) but they won these prizes already. There are others (BlueFairy Pipe-dreams, Kvetch Mom, The Woman Formerly Known as Beautiful, Bearded Iris, Twins happen, Girl on the Contrary etc.) that will be on my next list as soon as they give me a well-deserved award

BONUS: – Liebster Blog Award only (because already has the one she gave me).

Congratulations to all of you! Read them, Like them, Follow them.

And thanks for reading…you can flush now.

ghfool

OBSERVATIONS of an OCCASIONAL PARENT (OOPs) – Chapter 2

I need counseling. I follow a lot of Mommy Bloggers (Bloggerincesses) and greatly admire their creative and humorous take on motherhood and children. So I need your ladies’ help. I also shine the bat signal for any other assistance from Daddy’s, pets and any other living organisms.

Through no action of my own, I am an Occasional Parent. And what I mean by that is that I don’t get to see my kids as often as I’d like and as a result have less influence and interaction than I wish. But enough about that. My three sons (aka “The crazy-ass monkeys”)(ages 11, 8 & 6) will be flying into Texas (not Wizard of Oz monkey flying…but I wouldn’t be surprised) to spend six weeks with me starting this Saturday. And after my initial two reactions of “Yay” and “WooHoo” the thought of “OMG” creeps in. And then it sits there in my brain toying with me, cackling and howling with joyous laughter at my potential failure to control my three, wild and crazy primates.

So I put together a list of things to do to manage the situation, but I really need your input. Here are my initial thoughts:

1)      Feed them lots of SUGAR. Kids love sugar, right?

2)      Give them a beer every morning with their breakfast. Works for me!

3)      Tell them a lot of stories about my High School and College mischief. It will only prepare them for the inevitable.

4)      Watch Die Hard over and over and over again. It does have a happy Christmassy ending!

5)      Talk about the birds and the bees. (see #3 above)

6)      Teach them how to play Texas Hold’em. That way I won’t have to cheat like usual.

7)      Send them on a Snipe Hunt. This will provide me with at least a 30 minute break.

8)      Kill a deer in the front yard, hand them each a knife and say “That’s your dinner; gut it, skin it and I’ll cook it!”

9)      Give them flashlights after dark and tell them to find one of the lost Seven Cities of Cibola. Another nap opportunity.

10)   Threaten that if they don’t behave then I will make them watch “The Ring” again!

11)   Tell them to chase the sunset.  ‘nuff said.

12)   Make them clean the roof and chimneys.

13)   Do an “Easter egg Hunt” type activity, but instead of eggs, they will be searching for Fire Ants, Scorpions and Rattlesnakes. They each get a basket.

14)   Give each of them a hammer and nails and tell them to repair the deck. Videotape for YouTube.

15)   Put them all in a canoe on the river with nothing but a bible. Wait to see what God does.

I welcome any other suggestions. Please comment below. (and follow by providing your email address)

To read previous installments of this series click here: OOPs – Chapter 1

P.S. I would like to acknowledge that my good friend bloggerincesses, frugalistablogdotcom and Funny Pregnant Lady both nominated me for a blogger award and I sincerely thank them and need to do my follow-up honors. Coming soon.

ghfool