APOCALYPSE INSURANCE: or, How to avoid God’s wrath in 12 small monthly payments

APCLYPSIA Life Plus+

At APCLYPSIA (ap-clip-sia) we understand how important life security is to you and your family. Life presents challenges to your health and well-being that are daunting and ever-present. We want you and your loved ones to be protected from pain and suffering for a lifetime and we know that’s what you want too. So, for that reason we are now offering, for a limited time, APCLYPSIA Life Plus+.

APCLYPSIA Life Plus+ equals protection from the most dreaded event in world history…the Apocalypse. You and your family can now live comfortably through the “End of Days” because you were wise enough to invest a pittance for a lifetime of carefree fortune. You might be asking yourself, “Why would they do this for me”? And the answer is, because WE CARE!

APCLYPSIA Life Plus+ provides full coverage for injury or death from the following events*:

DEATH FROM ABOVE: Asteroids, Gamma Ray Bursts from WR-104, Grand Pianos, Confetti

*Coverage is void if you go outdoors during daylight.

NATURAL DISASTERS: Global occurrence of Earthquakes, Tsunamis, Entertainment Award Shows

*Coverage is void if you ever visit or live in California…or any other location within 500 miles of a tectonic plate, salt water or Botox.

PLAGUE: Pandemic Virus, Gingivitis

*Coverage is void if you come in contact with birds or sick people.

SUPER VOLCANO: Nuclear Winter, Harvest Moon Hayride Dances

*Coverage is void if you visit Yellowstone National Park- USA, Santorini-Greece or any other known or unknown global caldera or tourist attraction.

RED TIDE: Global Infection by Toxic Single Cell Organisms and/or Donald Trump

*Coverage is void if you eat oysters, clams or mussels or live within 500 miles of a casino or community swimming pool.

GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE: Tornados, Droughts, Hurricanes, Broken Thermostat

*Coverage is void if you fail to wear SPF 100+, a wide-brim hat, wet suit and full scuba gear at all times.

ARMAGGEDON:  War of God vs. Satan, Political Advertisements, Howie Mandel

*Coverage is void if you are God or Satan or if you associate with organized crusades, rogue individuals or Walmart shoppers.

CALL your local agent now for a free quote at: 555-666-6666

APCLYPSIA Life Plus+ cares about you, contact us today…or before you’re dead!

*This policy does not cover “Acts of God” or injury or death by Zombies or Vampires under any condition. (Coverage is also void if you have seen any of the ”Twilight” series).

CALL TODAY!

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Adopt an Animal! This week featuring: THE GREAT WHITE SHARK

I have to say that I have never been more excited in my life about anything!!!  It was recently bought to my attention that I can adopt a wild animal…wait for it…for only $25.00. It sounded too good to be true. So I had my research staff (me) look into it while I took a long deserved nap after a morning six-pack of Shiner beer. Then I reluctantly awoke and found the following article on  my pillow.

Ya know how there is this whole thing about kids wanting a pony for Christmas, or a bunny for Easter, or maybe some strange looking tall dude in a weird hat and beard for Presidents day? Well, those boring days are over! According to my information you can adopt, among other things…a Great White Shark on a Walmart budget!

I hesitated for moment when my research staff informed me of this, but then after a several Saki bombs they convinced me that Great White Sharks are incredibly great companions.

Why, you ask? Well check this out.

Why wouldn’t you want to adopt one of these wonderful creatures?

NEXT WEEK: Honey Badgers

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