APOCALYPSE INSURANCE: or, How to avoid God’s wrath in 12 small monthly payments

APCLYPSIA Life Plus+

At APCLYPSIA (ap-clip-sia) we understand how important life security is to you and your family. Life presents challenges to your health and well-being that are daunting and ever-present. We want you and your loved ones to be protected from pain and suffering for a lifetime and we know that’s what you want too. So, for that reason we are now offering, for a limited time, APCLYPSIA Life Plus+.

APCLYPSIA Life Plus+ equals protection from the most dreaded event in world history…the Apocalypse. You and your family can now live comfortably through the “End of Days” because you were wise enough to invest a pittance for a lifetime of carefree fortune. You might be asking yourself, “Why would they do this for me”? And the answer is, because WE CARE!

APCLYPSIA Life Plus+ provides full coverage for injury or death from the following events*:

DEATH FROM ABOVE: Asteroids, Gamma Ray Bursts from WR-104, Grand Pianos, Confetti

*Coverage is void if you go outdoors during daylight.

NATURAL DISASTERS: Global occurrence of Earthquakes, Tsunamis, Entertainment Award Shows

*Coverage is void if you ever visit or live in California…or any other location within 500 miles of a tectonic plate, salt water or Botox.

PLAGUE: Pandemic Virus, Gingivitis

*Coverage is void if you come in contact with birds or sick people.

SUPER VOLCANO: Nuclear Winter, Harvest Moon Hayride Dances

*Coverage is void if you visit Yellowstone National Park- USA, Santorini-Greece or any other known or unknown global caldera or tourist attraction.

RED TIDE: Global Infection by Toxic Single Cell Organisms and/or Donald Trump

*Coverage is void if you eat oysters, clams or mussels or live within 500 miles of a casino or community swimming pool.

GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE: Tornados, Droughts, Hurricanes, Broken Thermostat

*Coverage is void if you fail to wear SPF 100+, a wide-brim hat, wet suit and full scuba gear at all times.

ARMAGGEDON:  War of God vs. Satan, Political Advertisements, Howie Mandel

*Coverage is void if you are God or Satan or if you associate with organized crusades, rogue individuals or Walmart shoppers.

CALL your local agent now for a free quote at: 555-666-6666

APCLYPSIA Life Plus+ cares about you, contact us today…or before you’re dead!

*This policy does not cover “Acts of God” or injury or death by Zombies or Vampires under any condition. (Coverage is also void if you have seen any of the ”Twilight” series).

CALL TODAY!

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No More Candy For You!

ALERT!

It has been reported that across the USA on Halloween night there was a disturbing rash of trick or treaters accepting free candy and then returning to demand more free candy. Oddly enough, they were all wearing the same costume. If you have seen anyone who fits this description, you are advised…DO NOT give them any more candy!

*WARNING* Just to be clear, it’s not your candy! It’s the Government’s. Turn over all remaining candy to Obama so he can redistribute it as he pleases. Again, you worked and possibly even paid for the candy…but it is not yours! And Obama wants receipts. If you did not keep proper records of your candy consumption then you will be subject to an audit so as to make sure you did not eat candy that he wanted you to give to someone else. *WARNING*