For lots of dozens of years there have been flocks of strange people (Galileo, Attila the Hun, Bill Clinton) creating things that no one wanted, such as the Edsel, the Mayan calendar, the condom and the Kardashians.
And then there were magnificent discoveries like the hamburger, the cheeseburger, chile cheese fries, onion rings, porn, the DVR and of course, the time machine.
But what, my friends, was the greatest invention of all time?
I present to you the following candidates (in no particular order) for your consideration and feedback.
Fire – Kills people and sometimes ruins a perfectly good steak
The Fern – Hard to kill, therefore easy to love
Body Painting – Think of it as a FREE temporary bikini!
Hand Lotion – So many uses
Alcohol – Fueling dragsters as we speak
Electricity – Energy for outdated vaginal appliances and causes fires (see “Fire” above)
Hot Tubs – Well as I understand it, they ARE time machines
Music – Either not loud enough, or too loud!
Koozies – Doubles as a floatation device if you’re drowning (kinda like floaties)
Viagra – After 4 hours and a visit to the ER, doing all the nurses reduces the inflammation
The Internet – It wouldn’t exist without Al Gore, so never mind
Medicine – You got any drugs, man?
Religion – One of my favorites, partly because among religions the only constant is that “God” spelled backwards is “Dog”
Black Light – Not only is it the best way to experience psychedelic without taking acid, but it is also one of the few positive American products that uses the word “Black”.
Paper – If we didn’t have paper there would be no trees!
Hammocks – Highly underrated alternative to sleeping inside a cardboard box
Football – I vote for this one so long as no one that I care about blows my Fantasy game for the week
Spanx – The potential solution to global warming…no wait, obesity. Same thing!
Comedy – I know it’s subjective but I still think it’s the best holistic medicine there is and if you don’t agree with me than maybe I don’t know what holistic means…sorry!