Blog Archives

Naught-e Cards: Let’s go, bitch! or, Do you know how F***ing busy I am?

I uh, I don’t like my job, and, uh, I don’t think I’m gonna go anymore.

You’re just not gonna go?


Won’t you get fired?

Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh… I’m just gonna stop going.

So you’re gonna get another job?

I don’t think I’d like another job.

Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and…

I’ve never really liked paying bills. I don’t think I’m gonna do that, either.

Well, so what do you wanna do?

I wanna take you out to dinner, and then I wanna go back to my apartment and watch ‘Kung Fu’.

~ Office Space


SLICE OF LIFE: or, Things I Whittled and Other NONSENSE: or, SUCK IT!

I took up whittling a couple of years ago, but have slowed down a bit since I sliced my left thumb off (well, almost). I did get to SUCK IT** as I drove myself to the Emergency Clinic…which was kinda satisfying.

REMEMBER: Always cut AWAY from your body!*

*Unless you’re trying to cut yourself on purpose, in which case, you should just drop the knife (scissors, chainsaw, thighmaster etc.) and drive yourself immediately to the Emergency Clinic.

**Thumb sucking is optional.


How to Win at GOLF! Even if you don’t play

GOLF is unlike any of the other major sports in one significant way.

All the other main sports have defense and offense and whoever scores the most wins!

In Basketball, they used to employ the “four corners “ offense as a defense to keep the other team from scoring baskets. Now days they can’t do this nor can they play defense.

In Baseball, the object of half the game is to keep the other team from scoring runs when they’re at bat, but no matter what you do, you can only score runs when you’re at bat…or drinking beer and playing bouree in the locker room..

In Hockey, whoever wins the most fights and scores the most goals wins. Defense matters, but ultimately the winner is the team that scores the bloodiest goals.

Soccer is exactly the same as Hockey except no one ever scores and thousands of drunk people die.

And Football is the only major sport where you can score on defense. They actually say that “Defense wins championships”. But the truth is that the team that permanently debilitates the most opponent brains and scores the most touchdowns wins championships.

Pool, Darts, Badminton, Jai Alai, Farmville, Poker, Rugby, Bowling, Horseshoes, Words with Friends, Snowboarding, Volleyball, boxing, MMA, Tennis, Angry Birds.  It’s all about scoring!

Now consider GOLF. Golf is about NOT scoring! There is no defense and the object of the offense is to score as little as possible and less than all your opponents.

So I was thinking, when you’re playing golf, why not just not play? Lowest score wins. You score a zero and beat anyone over par. Easily!

I couldn’t have been the first person to think of this. Could I?



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