Body Painting, The Internet, Football, Fire…What is the Greatest Contribution to Civilization?

For lots of dozens of years there have been flocks of strange people (Galileo, Attila the Hun, Bill Clinton) creating things that no one wanted, such as the Edsel, the Mayan calendar, the condom and the Kardashians.

And then there were magnificent discoveries like the hamburger, the cheeseburger, chile cheese fries, onion rings, porn, the DVR and of course, the time machine.

But what, my friends, was the greatest invention of all time?

I present to you the following candidates (in no particular order) for your consideration and feedback.

Fire – Kills people and sometimes ruins a perfectly good steak

The Fern – Hard to kill, therefore easy to love

Body PaintingThink of it as a FREE temporary bikini!

 Hand Lotion – So many uses

Alcohol – Fueling dragsters as we speak

Electricity – Energy for outdated vaginal appliances and causes fires (see “Fire” above)

Hot Tubs – Well as I understand it, they ARE time machines

Music – Either not loud enough, or too loud!

Koozies – Doubles as a floatation device if you’re drowning (kinda like floaties)

Viagra – After 4 hours and a visit to the ER, doing all the nurses reduces the inflammation

The Internet – It wouldn’t exist without Al Gore, so never mind

Medicine – You got any drugs, man?

Religion – One of my favorites, partly because among religions the only constant is that “God” spelled backwards is “Dog”

Black Light – Not only is it the best way to experience psychedelic without taking acid, but it is also one of the few positive American products that uses the word “Black”.

Paper – If we didn’t have paper there would be no trees!

Hammocks – Highly underrated alternative to sleeping inside a cardboard box

Football – I vote for this one so long as no one that I care about blows my Fantasy game for the week

Spanx – The potential solution to global warming…no wait, obesity. Same thing!

Comedy – I know it’s subjective but I still think it’s the best holistic medicine there is and if you don’t agree with me than maybe I don’t know what holistic means…sorry!


Feed the Children! Please!!!!!!

Observations of an Occasional Parent (OOPs)

I have been responsible for my three boys this summer and I’m McLovin’ it! However there has been one issue that continues to aggravate and test my patience and that issue is…EATING!

I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that EATING would be the #1 issue of raising a child. Sleep, behavior, video games, school, drugs, prostitutes, maybe…but FOOD?!? Huh? Wha? Food is like oxygen, you eat to live, not live to eat. And what kid doesn’t like hot dogs, hamburgers and pizza? My kids!

When I was a kid, I wasn’t given much choice. I either ate what was served or I starved. I didn’t like anything but ketchup on my hamburger until I was 9 yrs old, but I still ate something that Dairy Queen provided. When my parents took me to a mexican food restaurant, I didn’t eat a Chile Relleno, but I still gobbled up a beef taco. When we went to a seafood restaurant, I may not have ordered apricot stuffed trout, but I gorged on fried shrimp! At a BBQ place I would eat a chopped beef sandwich…not chicken Mcfuckinuggets!  I could go on and on, but instead, I will present the following as brief evidence of the new (and apparently spoiled by certain parents) generation:

FOODS MY (three semi-young) KIDS WILL EAT (semi-voluntarily)

Cheese Pizza (Why is this pizza square? It tastes yucky! The crust is too thick! The crust is too thin! Too much cheese! Not enough cheese!) (What is that on my pizza?) It’s just a small fleck of seasoning. (Ahhhhhh! I hate this pizza!)

Pasta with Butter (Why is this pasta not round???) Only certain geometric shapes and only if it’s real butter. I substitute margarine all the time and they can’t tell shi#. (Why is there blood in my pasta?) Absolutely no tomato sauce!!!!

Lemonade (I hate pink lemonade! Oh, I like pink lemonade!! It tastes so much better than lemon lemonade!!!)

Water (Water is boring…I’m thirsty!!!!!!! Do we have any water?)

More Lemonade (I hate pink lemonade!!! I only want pink lemonade from now on!)

Macaroni and Cheese (but not too much cheese, or too much macaroni!)(I…pause…don’t like this macaroni!) Why not? It’s no different from any other I’ve served you. (It…tastes…different.) That’s because it’s actually made with real cheese instead of processed cheese. (I don’t like it!) (Can I have dessert now?)

Candy (can I have a Reece’s cup?) (Can I have a Reece’s cup without the peanut butter?)(Can you open this for me?)

More Candy…M&M’s (I only like the red  ones…they taste yummy!)(But, I want the red ones! Whaaaa!) Aaaargh!!!

Popsicles Only if sponsored by super heroes, otherwise…(these are yucky!)

Even more Candy (these gummy bears are too gummy!) (Why do lifesavers have holes in them? I hate holes!)

Ice Cream (Vanilla or Cookies and Cream!) God forbid you buy chocolate chip!

Crackers Graham crackers, but not cinnamon graham crackers! (I hate cinnamon!!!) Well I’ve been putting it on your waffles every morning for the past 4 years. (Yea, but I don’t like it on crackers.)(Actually I don’t think I like waffles anymore!)(Can I have a waffle?)

Cheese (This cheese tastes weird). Well, it’s sliced from a larger piece of cheese that is the same as the grated cheese you are used to. (I don’t like it) OK, I’ll grate it for you. (I still don’t like it!). Aarrrrgh!

Popcorn (Is this microwave popcorn?) No. (I only like microwave popcorn!)(I hate butter!)(Can you add butter?)(I love your homemade popcorn!)(It’s too salty!)(Can you add salt?)

Hamburgers (This is too thick! This is too thin! The bun is too soft! The bun is too hard! I wanted cheese! I hate cheese!)(I hate hamburgers, I want chicken nuggets) (I hate chicken nuggets…I wanted a cheeseburger!)

Curse thee, Chicken McFuckinNuggets!!!!!


Everything else on the planet. You could take them to the largest and most delicious food buffet in the universe, and they will make a big fuss and then when you get them back to the hotel room (after hurrying through your meal), they immediately scream 

“I’m hungry!

OK, what do you want?”

I dunno?”

I haven’t tasted a green vegetable in over two months…and I’ve definitely lost some hair. But I think they actually like hair…but only if it’s fried. Go figure!