Feed the Children! Please!!!!!!

Observations of an Occasional Parent (OOPs)

I have been responsible for my three boys this summer and I’m McLovin’ it! However there has been one issue that continues to aggravate and test my patience and that issue is…EATING!

I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that EATING would be the #1 issue of raising a child. Sleep, behavior, video games, school, drugs, prostitutes, maybe…but FOOD?!? Huh? Wha? Food is like oxygen, you eat to live, not live to eat. And what kid doesn’t like hot dogs, hamburgers and pizza? My kids!

When I was a kid, I wasn’t given much choice. I either ate what was served or I starved. I didn’t like anything but ketchup on my hamburger until I was 9 yrs old, but I still ate something that Dairy Queen provided. When my parents took me to a mexican food restaurant, I didn’t eat a Chile Relleno, but I still gobbled up a beef taco. When we went to a seafood restaurant, I may not have ordered apricot stuffed trout, but I gorged on fried shrimp! At a BBQ place I would eat a chopped beef sandwich…not chicken Mcfuckinuggets!  I could go on and on, but instead, I will present the following as brief evidence of the new (and apparently spoiled by certain parents) generation:

FOODS MY (three semi-young) KIDS WILL EAT (semi-voluntarily)

Cheese Pizza (Why is this pizza square? It tastes yucky! The crust is too thick! The crust is too thin! Too much cheese! Not enough cheese!) (What is that on my pizza?) It’s just a small fleck of seasoning. (Ahhhhhh! I hate this pizza!)

Pasta with Butter (Why is this pasta not round???) Only certain geometric shapes and only if it’s real butter. I substitute margarine all the time and they can’t tell shi#. (Why is there blood in my pasta?) Absolutely no tomato sauce!!!!

Lemonade (I hate pink lemonade! Oh, I like pink lemonade!! It tastes so much better than lemon lemonade!!!)

Water (Water is boring…I’m thirsty!!!!!!! Do we have any water?)

More Lemonade (I hate pink lemonade!!! I only want pink lemonade from now on!)

Macaroni and Cheese (but not too much cheese, or too much macaroni!)(I…pause…don’t like this macaroni!) Why not? It’s no different from any other I’ve served you. (It…tastes…different.) That’s because it’s actually made with real cheese instead of processed cheese. (I don’t like it!) (Can I have dessert now?)

Candy (can I have a Reece’s cup?) (Can I have a Reece’s cup without the peanut butter?)(Can you open this for me?)

More Candy…M&M’s (I only like the red  ones…they taste yummy!)(But, I want the red ones! Whaaaa!) Aaaargh!!!

Popsicles Only if sponsored by super heroes, otherwise…(these are yucky!)

Even more Candy (these gummy bears are too gummy!) (Why do lifesavers have holes in them? I hate holes!)

Ice Cream (Vanilla or Cookies and Cream!) God forbid you buy chocolate chip!

Crackers Graham crackers, but not cinnamon graham crackers! (I hate cinnamon!!!) Well I’ve been putting it on your waffles every morning for the past 4 years. (Yea, but I don’t like it on crackers.)(Actually I don’t think I like waffles anymore!)(Can I have a waffle?)

Cheese (This cheese tastes weird). Well, it’s sliced from a larger piece of cheese that is the same as the grated cheese you are used to. (I don’t like it) OK, I’ll grate it for you. (I still don’t like it!). Aarrrrgh!

Popcorn (Is this microwave popcorn?) No. (I only like microwave popcorn!)(I hate butter!)(Can you add butter?)(I love your homemade popcorn!)(It’s too salty!)(Can you add salt?)

Hamburgers (This is too thick! This is too thin! The bun is too soft! The bun is too hard! I wanted cheese! I hate cheese!)(I hate hamburgers, I want chicken nuggets) (I hate chicken nuggets…I wanted a cheeseburger!)

Curse thee, Chicken McFuckinNuggets!!!!!


Everything else on the planet. You could take them to the largest and most delicious food buffet in the universe, and they will make a big fuss and then when you get them back to the hotel room (after hurrying through your meal), they immediately scream 

“I’m hungry!

OK, what do you want?”

I dunno?”

I haven’t tasted a green vegetable in over two months…and I’ve definitely lost some hair. But I think they actually like hair…but only if it’s fried. Go figure!


The 10 Great Plagues, or: The Nine Slight Inconveniences and Death

Before you proceed, I pray you please understand that I am not a complete expert on religion. As a child, I repeatedly flunked “Introduction to God and Jesus” in church and in grade school I was banned for life from woodshop. My God handicap is 36+. So, the sum total of my knowledge on the subject of the Bible (Both previously owned testament and factory fresh testament) was acquired from reading the first paragraph of a Wikipedia page and watching the trailer for the “Ten Commandments”:

The Ten Plagues (Hebrew: עשר: המכות, Eser Ha-Makot) or the Biblical Plagues, were ten calamities that, according to the biblical Book of Exodus, Israel’s God, Yahweh, were inflicted upon Egypt to persuade Pharaoh to release the ill-treated Israelites from slavery and that Pharaoh capitulated after the tenth plague, triggering the Exodus of the Jewish people.

Additionally, GOD proclaimed that all the gods of Egypt will be judged through the tenth and final plague:

 “On that same night I will pass through Egypt and strike down every firstborn — both men and animals —and I will bring judgment on all the gods of Egypt. I am the LORD”

Yahweh or Fairway?

So I mean no offense when I say, “OMG! What were you thinking?” God’s plague party was equivilent to giving Pharaoh nine mulligans off the first tee at Augusta. NINE! I understand it’s a tough reach and a dogleg but not even Sergio Garcia would need that many do-overs! Additionally, my crack research team (me) revealed that 9 out of 10 biblical caddies recommend avoiding both the sand traps and plagues by hitting a strong fade.

“It’s in the Holy!”

Anyway, why didn’t God throw some major shit at Pharaoh like CHOLERA, MALARIA, AIDS, DEEP POT BUNKERS, THYPHUS, SMALLPOX or GINGIVITAS? Don’t cha think Yul Brynner would have capitulated much sooner if God had tossed some Ebola Virus his way? Was it merely creative lapse? Laziness? Three-two beer? Look, I don’t mean to be blasphemous here but I could have come up with much better plagues than the Almighty did…TOTALLY SOBER!

Let my people golf!

So as a point of reference, here are the completely lame Plagues from God (or his BFF Charleton Heston) that were intended to get Pharaoh to cry “uncle”…

  1. Blood (ok that’s kinda bad. Try a tourniquet, a mop or “Carpet Magic”.)

  2. Frogs (Hello? “Compound W!”)

  3. Gnats (Ever heard of “OFF”?)

  4. Flies (fly swatter, bug zapper, chopsticks?)

  5. Pestilence (I don’t know what that is)

  6. Boils (antibiotics, duh!)

  7. Hail (You’re kidding right? It’s just weather! Why not a Tsunami?)

  8. Locusts (Yard Guard Fogger! Twin pack.)

  9. Darkness (Did somebody forget to pay the electric bill?)

  10. Death of the Firstborn (like I said, they had nine swings before the children got involved! Didn’t have to happen.)

Locust pizza, anyone?

So, Pharaoh is watching all this shit go down around him and he’s like,

“Hey G-Man, sorry but I have this ringing in my ears ever since Golden Cow Hempapalooza 600 B.C., so can you repeat what you said the other day? Something about plaque or plagues? ‘Cause if it’s plaque then there is no shortage of that here already. And you know as well as I do that people lose teeth faster than their virginity in these parts and halitosis is more common than intestinal gas! Oh, PLAGUES, got it. I guess that explains all the FROGS. I must say that if you made it rain RUBBER SNAKES I would have been more intimated. So question…how many more of these pranks are you gonna pull? Ten total? So that’s 1,2,3,4…8 more. Well, you need to get more creative ‘cause I’m not doing anything until children start dying or . Yea, I know, I borrowed that one from you. Sue me! Anyway, what ya got?”

It is better to die in battle with a God, than to three putt after reaching a par 4 in two!

So you see, Yul Brynner wasn’t a complete wussy. He just needed God to punch him the face. If I was in charge, the 10 Great Plagues would have been “THE ONE TOTALLY BADASS PLAGUE”. I would have thrown something so wicked mean at Pharaoh that he would have soiled his entire kilt ensemble and…the Israelites / Egyptians / Jews / chosen people / anyone else who wants to be included or excluded would have been freed from bondage. And most importantly, no firstborns would have been harmed during the making of this film.

But nobody asked for my input. Typical.

May your balls fly long and straight this coming Easter Sunday…and watch out for deadly frogs!


Rabbit, rabbit!