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Ode to Steven Tyler: Crazy Bastard

Warning: There is a ridiculous Limerick near the end of this. If you read it, you could go blind.

If you watch American Idol, then you’re probably aware that Steven Tyler is crazy. Crazy awesome. This season he has channeled his inner Huggy Bear more often than not. He apparently has a personal collection of pimp hats complete with large feathers and his shirts and pants typically look like they were created from the drapes of a Persian Shisha Bar. During the audition portion of Season 11 (this season) he has said a lot of “inappropriate” things but my favorite was when he practically hit on contestant Shannon Magrane, right in front of her dad. No big deal right? Well, her father is Joe Magrane, a former Major League pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals, who stands 6’6” and weighs 230 pounds. Oh and did I mention that while Shannon is “HOT” (Tyler’s words) she is also 15 years old (ouch).  Fortunately, I think Tyler is one of the few who could pull off handcuffs as a cool accessory item. Finally, at the end of last week’s contestant cut-down show, Tyler stripped down to his BVDs, to the shock of Jennifer Lopez and the horror of Randy Jackson, and then leapt spread eagle into the adjacent pool. Not sane!

Two of the first record albums I ever owned and listened to repeatedly were Aerosmith “Rocks” and “Toys in the Attic”. It was evident to me even at the tender age of…well I was young…that Steven Tyler had a screw loose and if you’re familiar with the song “Big Ten Inch Record” you know what I mean.

So Steven Tyler is a nut and he’s a nut that also loves a good Limerick. So in honor of the start of American Idol Live shows (beginning Tues. p.m. on Fox) here is my tribute to Steven in a form I think he’ll appreciate. Btw, the actual limerick has no relevance to anything I just wrote, it’s just a limerick.

(Note: all characters are fictitious and any resemblance to anyone living or dead is unintentional. The subject matter in this limerick does not necessarily reflect the beliefs of Steven Tyler or American Idol…or the author.)

The Man came from Lees

There once was a Man came from Lees,
whose hair grew right down past his knees.
It covered his back, and also his crack,
and attracted a whole lot of fleas.

The Man met a woman, Tall Kate,
who suffered a terrible fate.
Her right eye was blind, she had an enormous behind,
yet the Man from Lees asked for a date.

The lore goes that he laid down his coat,
and they kissed in a meadow of goats.
Tall Kate proved not a tease, but she disliked the fleas,
and she said so in her short, farewell note.

The Tall Woman named Kate went to drinking,
about men without fleas she was thinking.
But then down slid a glass, from a woman named Cass,
and before you could blink they were linking.

The woman named Cass had an ass,
so much smaller than our friend Kate’s, alas.
Her butt was real small, and she wasn’t so tall,
that Tall woman named Kate took a pass.

So Tall Kate sailed away on the breeze,
and she never relinquished the keys.
For the grace of her glory, or so goes the story,
she married the gay, rich Man came from Lees.

Rock on, Steven!


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