Adopt an Animal! This week featuring: THE GREAT WHITE SHARK

I have to say that I have never been more excited in my life about anything!!!  It was recently bought to my attention that I can adopt a wild animal…wait for it…for only $25.00. It sounded too good to be true. So I had my research staff (me) look into it while I took a long deserved nap after a morning six-pack of Shiner beer. Then I reluctantly awoke and found the following article on  my pillow.

Ya know how there is this whole thing about kids wanting a pony for Christmas, or a bunny for Easter, or maybe some strange looking tall dude in a weird hat and beard for Presidents day? Well, those boring days are over! According to my information you can adopt, among other things…a Great White Shark on a Walmart budget!

I hesitated for moment when my research staff informed me of this, but then after a several Saki bombs they convinced me that Great White Sharks are incredibly great companions.

Why, you ask? Well check this out.

Why wouldn’t you want to adopt one of these wonderful creatures?

NEXT WEEK: Honey Badgers


Self-Centered ADD: or, “What Did You Want To Say?” the Game Show

(I was high as a balloon when I wrote this so my apologies to anyone with ADD…squirrel!)

It’s time to play…What Did You Want To Say? Where being correct is difficult however unintentional self-desintegration is very possible from your host with ADD, Chet Hackley

Today we have two new players with us, Bill Slockenberry and Shannon Bickner as well as our returning Champion, Cindy Clangstein. OK, everybody ready…Let’s play “What Did You Want To Say?”

CHET – Hi Bill! Welcome to “What did you want to say?” How tall are you?

BILL – Well Chet, I’m…

CHET – I’m sorry that answer is incorrect. I’m 6 ft. 2 in. and that puts me in the 95th percentile for an adult male. So based on that…

which of these babies got back? You have 5 seconds

CHET – Good morning Shannon! Welcome to “What did you want to say?” What is your favorite Italian food?

SHANNON – I really love…

CHET – Wrong. The correct response would have been “Pizza”. I love all kinds of pizza;  Chicago deep dish, personal pan, New York, French bread, brick oven, Dominos, the leaning tower.  Which type of pizza am I currently using as a bookmark? You have 4 seconds…

CHET – Hey there Cindy! Welcome back to “What did you want to say?”

How many mountains does it take to make a “Range”?

CINDY – I know this one, the answer is…

CHET – BEEEP! Incorrect! “Two, the answer is “Two”. Mountains are amazing. Which mountain range shown here is my favorite? You have 2 seconds…

CHET – Your turn Bill. Where is the Lincoln Memorial located?

BILL – That’s easy…

CHET – Oooops., I could tell by the way you were moving your lips that you were going to say the wrong answer. The right answer is Washington D.C. So your safety question is…

Among these famous monuments which makes you most horny? 3 seconds…

CHET – You’re up Shannon. Which body of water lines the coast of California?


CHET – Pacific Ocean. You would have never gotten that one right! I love the water…I own a water bed, a water pick and a can of water chestnuts. What is the shape of the swimming pool at my summer retreat in Palm Springs? 5 seconds…

CHET – Let’s go Cindy! A standard yardstick is how many feet long?

CINDY – Thr..

CHET – STOP! Hold on I dropped my card. Your answer is way off. A yardstick is three feet long. Three feet.

How long is six inches? 4 seconds…GO!

CHET – OK, IT’S TIME FOR THE “TRIPLE EXPRESSO” ROUND where the questions are more difficult and the scores are divided by pi.

CHET – Bill, I am capable of engaging in a several second long conversation with a woman before wanting to bang her. What is the square root of the circumference of the hypotenuse? 1 second…Go!

CHET – Sharon, the California Redwoods are trees. What is a Hackberry? 3.7 seconds…GO!

CHET – Cindy, the Milky Way Galaxy is very vast.

What do you feed a poodle with tapeworm? Times up!

CHET – Looks like we have a three way tie going into the FINAL ROUND!

As usual we are going to do something completely different than yesterday’s show and today we want all of you to reveal your answer to the “Super Question” on the provided Light Bright screen, except  Cindy who will be required to hammer her answer out on this stone tablet.

Here’s the “Super Question”

What the hell is this? GO!